Mindfulness over Momwashing
Be kind to yourself, Mama, as society is 'momwashing' you!
TL;DR: Your experiencing momwashing in every aspect of your life. Tend to your “just being” mode. You deserve stillness. This is sharing my first experience learning mindfulness meditation as a mother and a woman in medicine.
Mama, do you feel loved yet devalued? It might seem odd to see these words share a sentence, but for working mothers like myself, this contradiction is not just a reality but an emotionally expensive one. Balancing education, productivity, and presence in the workforce with the relentless demands of planning, scheduling, and providing for a family weigh heavily on us. Thus, with Mother's Day this past weekend, it's hardly surprising that an article about the struggles of mothers in the workplace struck a chord with me. Authored by Sallie Krawcheck, Founder & CEO of Ellevest, the piece titled 'It’s Called Momwashing' sheds light on how society, while professing love for mothers ‘in action,’ simultaneously imposes penalties on them in their professional lives. This phenomenon, known as momwashing, not only feels emotionally taxing—it underscores the unacknowledged costs of being a working mother.
Reflecting on the transitions in life and my career as a doctor, I initially believed the emotional turmoil I felt stemmed from being too busy or moral injuries of practicing medicine. However, the concept of momwashing really hit home, revealing a pattern of both emotional and financial penalties that have shadowed my professional journey for over two decades. This includes facing the gender pay gap during pregnancy, enduring unpaid maternity leaves, and navigating the challenges of career pivots—each phase underscoring the ongoing and pervasive costs of being a working mother.
Moreover, society's expectations of mothers are often outdated and unrealistic, particularly evident in our school systems. Take, for instance, the weekly 90-minute sessions organized by my children’s’ school, scheduled during working hours for eight weeks. Despite the inconvenience and the cost, I felt compelled to attend, driven by the inescapable message that my involvement is crucial for my children's social-emotional development (also driven by a frantic busyness that I bestow upon myself). This situation led me, somewhat reluctantly, into a mindfulness meditation class, seeking some balance and perspective amid these relentless demands. Here, I hoped to find strategies not just for managing professional and personal challenges but also for handling the guilt and stress that come with the territory of momwashing.
The eight-week course I attended was titled "Mindfulness for Parents," guided by the principles in Jon Kabat-Zinn, a book by experts Mark Williams and Danny Penman called Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. Kabat-Zinn, a professor and the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), introduces techniques designed to foster calm and awareness in the midst of our chaotic lives. Admittedly, I was initially frustrated at having committed to this course, skeptical of its value and doubtful of my ability to remain engaged for such extended periods. Yet, as the sessions unfolded, I found unexpected solace and insight in learning to navigate my mind's "mental events," and breaking from the "doing" mode and leaning into the "creative" mind.
This exploration proved invaluable, not just in managing the daily grind but in addressing the emotional toll of years of momwashing. Each session, initially viewed as a time-consuming detour from my packed schedule, became a vital investment in my mental health. Understanding and practicing mindfulness helped mitigate the build-up of stress and guilt imposed by societal expectations, transforming what I once saw as an inconvenient commitment into a crucial tool for personal empowerment and emotional resilience.
*Forewarning, I am a novice to this mindfulness concept! The following paragraphs detail my first-time experience with mindful meditation written in somewhat of a journaling mode. I am still grappling with weaving my daily practice.*
Our minds are like the universe with our thoughts and emotions connected together like star constellations! Use mindfulness to break this very normal mental habit;-)
Society loves stealing mom’s attention:
As mothers, we're constantly bombarded with demands: pay precise attention to family, work emails, school notifications, news updates, all while being told we need more 'self-care.' This constant barrage puts our amygdala—the ancient part of the brain that handles fight or flight responses—on perpetual high alert (this is based on brain scan research!). The psychological strain of simultaneously being loved and devalued creates a whirlpool of distracting thoughts that make it impossible to relax. For years, I tried to manage these disruptions through meticulous planning, only to be left with a persistent feeling of unease.
The mindfulness class, though time-consuming, revealed a groundbreaking concept: I was engaged in mental time traveling. This wasn't just about reminiscing or planning; it was an endless loop of re-living and pre-living events, marred by self-criticism—second-guessing mothering decisions or dwelling on medical cases, like a bleeding incident or the risks of a particular surgery. These mental events, though unrelated, were linked by emotions and formed patterns akin to constellations in the sky. The most enlightening revelation came when I began to view these thoughts and emotions as interconnected stars. By simply recognizing these as mental events and not acting on them, I found peace and regained focus. This awareness was the key to dismantling the constant alerts and reclaiming my mental space.
Society loves moms to stay in the Doing Mode, always:
Society often appreciates mothers for their constant busyness but criticizes their focus and commitment to their jobs, especially when they are pregnant or caring for their children. This "doing mode" can leave moms looking frazzled and disoriented—an image that society seems all too comfortable perpetuating. I once experienced this bias firsthand when I was told that procedure referrals were being redirected because of my advanced pregnancy; my colleagues were unsure how I would manage follow-ups. Does pregnancy suddenly erase one’s memory or the ability to perform specialized procedures like endoscopy?
This perpetual doing mode is not only exhausting but also consumes us so completely that we often lose awareness of our surroundings. Just now, as I reflected on those times as a pregnant doctor facing microaggressions, I realized I had slipped into autopilot. This illustrates how the doing mode perpetuates a cycle of distress and negative emotions. In such moments, switching to the "being mode" can offer significant emotional relief. For example, when recalling the incident mentioned above, I should pause, take a few deep breaths, and consciously recognize and suspend judgment about the memory. This practice, which is a core aspect of mindful meditation, involves acknowledging mental events without manipulation, allowing for a shift toward a more creative and preferred perspective.
Women are not taught to be kind to ourselves. Befriend yourself first, last and always!
Society Constrains a Mother’s Creativity
Mindfulness in the "Being Mode" can enhance a mother's creativity and focus, qualities often undermined by the pressures and demands of momwashing. An illustrative case is that of a mother on maternity leave from a workplace that neither emotionally nor financially supports this period. During my own leave, the only acknowledgment I received from my workplace were work-related messages, which my colleagues expected me to manage despite my absence. I was also expected to work the same hours, fulfill the same hospital duties, and achieve specific targets, all while recovering from childbirth and caring for a newborn and my family. I actively practiced mindfulness, turning towards and confronting the exhaustion I felt during this time. Embracing compassion helps mitigate the impact of negative emotions. By mindfully acknowledging challenging thoughts, I interrupted the cycle that leads to a negative downward spiral, avoiding automatic aversion responses. Moreover, maintaining an exploratory mindset allowed me to devise creative solutions and apply them effectively at work. The book describes how students became more creative and solution oriented when they kept a positive approach oriented mindset vs a closed down aversion mindset (called the mouse in the maze). I personally found that my mental state became significantly more inventive during the eight-week course, illustrating the potential of mindfulness to transform adversity into a source of creativity.
A tired exhausted mountain mama (me) on a mother’s day a while back!
Be kind to yourself as society doesn’t teach us this:
But perhaps the most profound lesson was on kindness—towards oneself. Learning a befriending meditation was possibly equaling as fun as opening up creative throughts. I realized my education taught me many things, from growing vegetables to practicing medicine, but never about self-compassion. Embracing mindfulness has taught me to acknowledge life’s pressures without judgment and manage the biases that confront working mothers daily. To be a mother in the workforce where bias is against me at every moment AND not start a constellation of emotions that just pisses me off. Achieving mindfulness amidst momwashing? Now that's a real superpower.
Navigating the workplace as a mother requires more than just balancing schedules—it demands a mental shift and societal change. By addressing momwashing and fostering mindfulness, we can start to mend the fabric of our professional landscapes to truly support and value mothers in all our roles.
End dictation.
Your lady MD,
Emily